Introducing MJ Alba Dot Com, the Future of Online! —

Welcome! — friends, well-wishers, jilted lovers, and all — to MJ Alba Dot Com, the new home of digital content on the internet. Actually, you know what? Scratch the jilted lovers. I don’t know why I thought that would be appropriate. Also, what does jilting mean and why are only lovers doing it? A taste of the scintillating dialogues to come.

What’s This Now?

In late 2017 I was approached by a group of shadowy investors who pitched the idea of turning my identity, MJ Alba, into a user-oriented, content-focused website capable of disrupting the entire tech industry / world order. Proffering petabytes of “market research” and a healthy runway of dark money in the form of various now-defunct cryptocurrencies, these mysterious benefactors argued that together — with their bottomless resources and my breathtaking lack of scruples — we could shape the landscape of internet publishing / cultural hegemony forever. One year later, I remembered I was supposed to have been working on this and threw something together last minute. At last, MJ Alba Dot Com is here to usher in a new age of digital media — long may its rule last™.

MJ Alba Dot Com is the internet’s official new home for all forms of digital content, new media, and online exclusives. Publishing paradigms? Check. Social strategies? We’ve got those. SEO? I think you mean CEO, bub, and ours is the best in the biz, I assume. We’re not just another Digg or Neopets or Myspace — we’re an entirely new breed of website, one that turns pageviews and user retention rates into cold, hard, returns on investment. Another innovation: reading any sentence on this site constitutes a legally-binding contract consenting you to the use of 17 separate marketing trackers and something called cookies. Mmm!

And Who Are You?

I’m MJ Alba, editor-in-chief and minority shareholder of MJ Alba Dot Com. You may have seen my previous ventures into content writing around the internet, but that was the old MJ Alba; the old internet. This is the new MJ Alba (legally a subsidiary of the ████ ██████ Corporation) and the new internet (a division of Time Warner Cable). This is the revolution, and I am its leader — long may my rule last™.

When not leading the revolution, I’m just a regular dude who likes partying, playing video games, and hanging with my homeboys at private villas in Eastern Europe. I’m all about jokes, buds, beers, and offshore bank accounts. Go Bears!

Sorry, I’m Still Confused. Can You Explain the What Again?

If the publishing philosophy of MJ Alba Dot Com could be summed up in a sentence approved by a board of unfeeling elites, it would be so summed thusly: “to create a proprietary platform bringing together any content whatsoever and the content-addicted eyeballs that generate revenue by consuming it.” In that spirit, you can expect a veritable feast of ideas and experimentation on this website: hackneyed TV reviews, endless listicles, a bunch of lazily-captioned subtweets embedded in a row, and more. There may even be some thoughtful long-form pieces that you’ll leave open in a tab until the next time you restart your computer. Sound unfamiliar? Welcome to the new web. Welcome to the new world.

One thing the mysterious benefactors bankrolling this operation have asked me to assure you is that the glorious gamut of content through which MJ Alba Dot Com runs will always remain 100% unbiased. MJ Alba Dot Com is put together by regular hardworking joes like me (Go Bears!) for regular hardworking eyeballs like you. That means we’ll never crawl through the mudpits of niche political topics like climate change, creeping fascism, or the scourge of digital populist propaganda. As the mysterious benefactors bankrolling this operation agree, everything is fine and anyone who says otherwise is a stooge of some rich, dark puppet-master, and also? Ugly.

Well, Alright Then.

At MJ Alba Dot Com, the content is king, and you will bow down to its rule, long may it last™. Tremble at the dawning of the last and greatest age. Weep for the loss of yesterday’s tomorrows. Don’t forget to sign up for the news blast!