BREAKING: Colton Sholter, Cancelled! —

Famed Actor Textually Accused of Having Sexually Abused

by MJ Alba, gossip correspondent

Bummer news from Los Angeles today: four actresses you’ve probably never heard of have issued a joint statement accusing Hollywood legend Colton Sholter of sexual harassment.

The accusers, two of whom are confusingly named Britney, claim that Sholter leveraged his position of power to “degrade and objectify them,” to “coerce [them] into non-consensual sexual situations,” and to otherwise “perpetrate untold breaches of law, decorum, and basic human dignity.”

The ladies report a series of incidents spanning multiple decades and film projects. D-lister Chloe Sun, for example, claims that a drunken Sholter barged into her dressing room in 1992 during shoots for the Academy Award-winning movie Consent of a Woman (“Hoo-ah needs it!”). Wearing nothing but a rubber chicken around his privates, per Sun, Sholter declared he wanted to “lay [her] like an egg,” and then, after some thought, added something about “having her sunny side up — no wait, down!” The allegations get much worse from there, but we only have so much space, and this is a family website.

Twitter users, the vox populi of the information age, were quick to weigh in on the accusations:

Colton Sholter… more like NOlton ShNOlter!

Horrified and disgusted and slightly aroused by today’s revelations re: Colt @Sholtergeist. Loved his recent work playing Uncle Drac, the charismatic vampire with a dark history of preying on young women. Gonna be hard to separate the character from the actor now and keep enjoying the show.

Solid egg jokes on the side, that’s some pretty creepy and inexcusable shit. Way beyond the pale — even for a vampire! I say it’s time we give Colt Sholter the #SilentTreatment

Another set of Twitter users we selected struck a different tone entirely:

@Sholtergeist ignore the haters u r my hero #ColdOnesForColt #ПриветМир

oh, so now anyone can get accused of anything and we’re supposed to just assume it isn’t a deep state and/or deep space conspiracy? #AliensAreOutThereAndTheyreAfterTheFirstAmendment #TheEarthIsNOTFlatItIsInFactASphereButWeLiveOnTheInsideAndNOTTheOutside

Hey everybody, please stop sending me threatening messages over DM. The Chloe Sun you’re looking for is @ChloeForLife. I’m just a regular dude pretending to be a hot chick on the internet for scamming purposes. Please redirect your misogyny to the people who truly deserve it — women.

Even people who matter had something to say:

I worked with Colton on Jaws in 1974 and witnessed no inappropriate behavior from anyone except Steven Spielberg toward the animatronic shark. Those memories haunt me but can’t talk about them (even w/ therapist) due 2 NDA. Wishing Colt and his family well during this difficult time

Enough with these public spectacles! Accusations of sexual assault should be kept strictly in the family. And as for these “breaches” Mr. Sholter is supposed to have penetrated? Soon yi’ll realize they’re nothing more than a series of innocent, not technically related misunderstandings.

Hours after the news broke, Sholter tweeted a link to an Instagram post of a screenshot from his Notes app, where he’d drafted a thoughtful response to the allegations:

heartbroken that my dear ex-coworkers brittany, chloe, zoey, and the other brittney all accidentally remember that i had sex with them non-consensually. it actually was very consensual and very cool. chloe especially liked it. unfounded accusations like these only serve to muddy the waters around real allegations of sexual assault. my publicists and I continue to #support and #believe all women, except of course for britteny, chloe, zoey, and the other britany, who, again, are attention-starved lying whores. fake news and god bless, colt

The allegations against Sholter come just weeks before the much-anticipated season three premiere of Netflix’s popular vampire drama, The Mysterious Mr. Eripmav, in which Sholter plays the fan favourite character Drac, uncle to twin high-school protagonists Nosf and Eratu Rodriguez. Netflix has not responded to our request for comment at press time, which is when we press the “publish post” button on WordPress.

BREAKING: Colton Sholter, Renewed! —

Disgraced Star’s Business Pard’ Reveals Sexy Time Detractors Merely “Xanax-Addled Ovary Actors”

by MJ Alba, justice correspondent

Stunning news from Los Angeles today: new firsthand counter-accounts have fully exonerated actor Colton Sholter from his decades-long spree of alleged sexual assaults, abuses, and unspeakable transgressions.

Clearing his name is Sholter’s former booking agent and current premium vodka brand business partner, Ricky Snakeoil. Mr. Snakeoil has bravely recalled that one of Colt’s accusers, bit-part actress Zoey Sajolie-Goodfellow, is a “full-on cokehead, and everybody knows it.”

Ms. Sajolie-Goodfellow originally alleged that Colt █████ed her ████████ (████-style) during shoots for the 2003 made for TV movie Knife to Meet You, in which Colt played a cool detective named Blade and she was like, an extra or something.

But Mr. Snakeoil has now identified Ms. Sajolie-Goodfellow as an “opportunist” and “a six at best,” sharing an incident where she held up shooting for half an hour “just to be a bitch.” He also cited a 2002 interview with Maxim in which Ms. Sajolie-Goodfellow claimed she was “excited to work with Colton” because he “has so much power and influence and unquestioning loyalty from his partners in the film industry, into which it has been my lifelong dream to be accepted.” Quoth Mr. Snakeoil: “Which is it, Zoey? Are you excited to work with him or did he █████ you ████-style?” He raises a fair point.

Twitter users, the greek chorus of our times, had a lot to say about the low character of Colt’s accusers. In fact, many such tweets were actually posted yesterday, before it was determined that they were all dirty liars. Huh. Weird.

Zoey Whatsherface… more like NOey WhatsherFAKE!

she says the actor smacked her into it… he claims cocaine ‘twas broker of brain… whichever way of it you want to say of it… colt sure sholt her he’s the mang! #sholty4prez #colt46

Sad to say I saw this coming. Disappointed in these women but understand that addiction is an ugly beast. Just wish they’d sought help in a more productive way (ladies, my DMs are always open). Still, psyched to welcome Uncle Drac and @Sholtergeist back to the land of my living room!

Besmirching’s over, boys! Use promo code #okaytobehorny for 4% off your next bulk order of @SmearsoffVodka. Smearsoff: For a night you’ll never forget, and she’ll never remember! #NeverForget #TasteTheShine

More to come as this story develops, but honestly I think we pretty much got it now.

BREAKING: Colton Sholter, Re-ceased! —

Seemed-Redeemed Actor Back on Blacklist After Backer’s Attack on Actresses Deemed Seamy, Dismissed

by MJ Alba, corrections correspondent

Wellllllllp, looks like we were all a bit hasty in our rush to first cautiously criticize and then vigorously defend Colton Sholter for and then against plausible and then utterly baseless claims of sexual assault. It turns out we should have waited for the story to play out first. Our b.

Sholter’s ex-agent Ricky Snakeoil, upon whose sparse anecdotal evidence the case against all four of Colton’s accusers hinged, has been jailed. The 36-month prison sentence is the result of a lengthy federal investigation into Mr. Snakeoil’s ties with foreign business interests, which was a widely publicized affair and, in retrospect, something we should have mentioned in previous articles. Our b.

It turns out that Mr. Snakeoil’s vodka Smearsoff (for which Colton Sholter was until recently the celebrity spokesperson) was part of a complex money laundering operation for the Russian mafia, and is also chemically equivalent to acetone. Apparently both of these things are illegal, which is alarming to me for personal reasons, but — more to the point — seriously calls into question the legitimacy of Mr. Snakeoil’s prior testimony against Sholter’s accusers.

Speaking of which, nine more women came forward today accusing Sholter of sexual assault. Plus there were a few more accusers yesterday we forgot to write about. Probably should have led with all that. Our b.

Here’s more tweets:

Utterly stunned by today’s Sholter news. Ashamed to say he took me for a ride along with everyone else. Hard to think of a worse betrayal of trust than lying to your fans about all those coworkers you raped. #BooSholtergeist

officially sick of hearing about colt and his exes. let’s just say everyone’s a little bit to blame and move on already

@Sholtergeist acknowledge the lovers u r my villain #HotOnesAgainstColt #КаковаМояЦель

To address the mounting pile of evidence against him, Colton released a somber Note late this afternoon:

after much reflection with my legal team, i see now why it’s crucial little colton’s holstered continuously in a professional context. i deeply regret my prior actions to the contrary, where provable in a court of law. i was mistaken when i said those things never happened before, because i remember now that they did. mea culpa e sua culpa. i also want to sincerely apologize for the pain i caused brittiny, chloe, zoey, and the other brintey even though, quite frankly, no i don’t. peace and love, but not too much love, that’s bad now, big colton <2

Measured words from a measured man. Will they be enough to regain the public’s shattered trust? Time alone will tell, unless something else happens.

BREAKING: Colton Sholter, Deceased! —

Renowned Thespian Bites the Dust Days Before Trial for Untempered Lust

by MJ Alba, death correspondent

Devastating news from Los Angeles today: multiple reports that Colton Sholter, beloved film and television actor, has died of an apparent fentanyl overdose. He was 67 years old.

This story will — man, 67, huh? So this guy was like, well into his forties when he was allegedly harassing all those teen actresses? Sorta seems like he should have known better. Allegedly.

This story — drug overdose, was it? Didn’t he accuse all those girls of being coke-addled liars? Were this not such a tragic loss of life, that might almost seem hypocritical.

This — ah, shoot, you know what? I totally forgot what I was gonna say. Ugh! That’s embarrassing. Oh well, take some tweets about Colton’s death instead:


Colt @Sholtergeist and I may have had our philosophical differences, but it’s always sad when a famous person dies. Rest in peace, you old stallion. #eRIPmav

one word: the lizard people got him #TheLizardPeopleGotHim #AlsoMyNeighboursDogHasBeenReplacedWithALizardPersonDogButThatsUnrelatedToThisParticularIncident

So, so heartbroken to hear of the passing of my cherished friend and meal ticket Colton “Uncle Drac” Eripmav. Hearing word that lizard people were involved in some capacity. Stay safe out there, people. xo

Sholter is survived by his much younger wife, model Tiffany Gliffords, two good looking children, Sandy and Dandelion, and one ugly son from a previous marriage, Biff. A spokesperson for the family had this to say, via the Notes app:

gee, I hope they keep paying me now that Colton’s dead.

Rest in power, Mr. Sholter.

Oh, hey! I remembered what I meant to write before: this story will no doubt overshadow the murder of minor Colt-accuser Britney Shields, who was brutally stabbed at her home this morning by something called an “incel.”

Oof — what a drag. Shoulda kept that forgotten.

BREAKING: Colton Sholter, Remembered! —

An MJ Alba Dot Com Salute to a Hollywood Icon of Upstanding Repute

by MJ Alba, arts and culture correspondent

It’s been almost two weeks since Colton Sholter’s passing, but I still find myself sitting down now and then, cool glass of Smearsoff in hand, to watch one of his movies until my throat burns with emotion, or my belly sears with pain from laughing.

His most famous flick is perhaps the 1985 comedy classic Statutory Grades, about a ragtag group of fraternity boys hounding after the sorority girls of Upskirtilon Psi. In their most spirited prank, the boys sneak powerful hallucinogens into the cherry punch at the freshman mixer, and then harass woozy girls as they stumble to the bathroom. In today’s hyper-aware political climate, it’s hard to recognize that this jape was all in good fun, or that the girls in the movie deserved it, according to their manner of dress.

It’s this sense of playful whimsy I’ll miss most about Colton. On screen and off, the man radiated a lusty charisma that made him feel approachable, or like he might even approach you, whether you wanted him to or not. His charm was as dogged as it was undeniable, undiluted by negativity or naysayers or even the pesky legal issues that so nagged the actor in his later days. Also undeniable, and also undiluted, was the lethal cocktail of fentanyl and cocaine that Colt was unable to refuse thanks to the horrors of addiction. It’s a cruel twist of fate that one little mistake — a callous lifelong relationship with illegal narcotics — was enough to rob this poor man of his agency and ruin a promising future.

To capitalize on Colt’s death, I mean life, I’m writing an in-depth biography of which this article is just a free sample — and you’ve already had your taste. So to read the rest and keep Colt’s memory alive or whatever, please back my Kickstarter campaign for MJ Alba Presents: Colton Sholter: Sholing His True Coltors: Raw & Uncut Edition.

If Colton’s last tweet is anything to go by, it’s what he would have wanted:

If I die, please buy MJ Alba’s book about me

That’s classic Colton Sholter for you — always looking out for the little guy.

Thanks, Colt, for looking out for me, too.